Dwelling in the Dark

I realize as an actor, as a filmmaker, as any kind of creative career chasing person, that you really can't spend much time dwelling in the darkness because the darkness in creative fields is so vast and so big that it's unmanageable to maintain continuous thought about.

Some examples of these low points include: driving all over town, wasting gas just for a chance to make no money or minimum money; there's so many negatives to the work we do, so once you get in that negative head space, you feel a whole world of weight on you.

Suddenly, one question leads you to a thousand questions of why you're still doing this. Why you're still trying to pursue this impossible dream? Regardless of passion and love, I mean who really cares what you fucking love? As exhibited in marriage and quick relationships, love is obviously meaningless; with a 50% divorce rate, the idea of love can obviously and easily be fooled. We can think ourselves in love with someone or something and it happens to not pan out for the period of a lifetime.

As much as I love film work and the fact that I am energized by the environments, I realize it may just not happen. In which case, what good was the dream? What good is it to dream about something unattainable given my own circumstances not being favorable to that career choice?

I'm not fretting, in any way, my past or present work, but what does it amount to? There's first timers who have done better, there's first timers who have done more. Better quality visuals, feature length projects, etc. So with those more skilled people, why do I have the delusion that I should continue this work?

Even the personal thought that "I'm good at it"...so are a lot of people. A lot of good people are in this industry and a lot of them will get no where. Because there's just no space.

Some mediocre people will make it and more good people will be left out but it's just the way it's going to go.

A lot of us just won't see the happy end to our dreams. Some will realize other ones. Maybe I should go into casting. I don't know how one just breaks into casting; as if it's some easy thing to just set up shop and BOOM...now I'm in casting.

Everything in this industry is as shaky as the last thing. There's no solid ground here. We're just constantly digging up the foundation, looking for a hole; one person jumps in and that's it. Once someone is in through a working method, it's done. You can't hope to get the same results by duplicating the means; that hole is now gone.

The holes aren't maliciously closed, like a metaphorical kicking of a ladder, but it's no longer a working gimmick that can be capitalized on for much needed attention. My greatest example is the film Escape from Tomorrow, shot illegally in Disneyland parks. Now you can illegally shoot a movie in a theme park but it's not going to have the same impact as the first one that did it.

That gimmick door closed. Now it's just a tool in your production belt; it's commonplace. In the simplest terms, it's already been done.