Modern Dating: Tindering While Ugly

I recently joined Tinder. While I held little hope it would connect me with someone romantically or sexually, I did figure I could use it to just talk to some people. Despite all of the wonderful self-deprecating comedy that being on Tinder has inspired, I find it also quite painful.

Apps like Tinder and sites like OkCupid  are the growing trend and sold as the way people meet in the modern day.  To me though, they serve as reminders of how unprepared I am for modern dating (or conversation). I mean, I am 28 years old and the only date I've had was through a friend who had set us up.

The modern practice and idea of dating seems so foreign to me; so wrapped in delusion and deception. It leaves me questioning what those truly shy, reserved people are supposed to do against today's aggressive male. And aggressive female! What does the passive male do?

We're so wrapped up in some modern idea of how to carry ourselves that phrases like "Hey, how are you doing?" apparently come across as insulting. So what's the answer, should the opening message to someone be "Hey, wanna fuck?"

I just don't understand. When apps like Tinder are sold as the future of dating, then what do the losers of those systems do? What do the ugly people do? Resign themselves to a life of loneliness? Find another ugly person? Kill themselves to spare the rest of society the burden of having to ignore them when their messages comes up in the inbox?

Society has a tendency to roundly shun ugly people as if expecting them to know better than to join and participate in what "normal" people do. I joke about the idea of a Tinder for normal people but, under the humor, there is a layer of truth. What do those of us that don't fit into society's neat little categories do? What do those of us who still live with our parents do? Are we just merely a societal reject; a failure to evolve to modern society methods of release, conversation, and procreation?

Where's the Tinder for normal people who enjoy watching cartoons and live with their parents?

— Raj Jawa (@RajJawa) February 6, 2015

And put sex aside for a moment, just talking even; why is "Hey, how's it going" the Kryptonite of the conversation world? Why can't we exchange a few words back and forth, I'll tell you I make movies, you'll tell me what you do; we'll only half understand each other and we'll never speak again, easy. But apparently it's not easy, apparently saying hello to someone is very difficult and odious even.

And put Tinder aside, when you reach out to people on LinkedIn, random people even, they generally accept the connection and many times even drop a quick line to say "Hello." So why is Tinder so sexually charged with the idea that messaging someone and saying "Hi" must mean that you want to fuck them?

Society seems to have taken a new approach to meeting people; if you don't find them attractive, they aren't worth your time. They aren't worth your words in conversation and certainly aren't worth your sexual organs. We're too big as a society to care about everyone anymore; we only care about those we already cared about, kind of like only reading books you've already read. There's no thought given to those who are rejected; it's considered merely self-preservation in a "do what feels good" society. But, again, what of the losers? Must they find other things to do what makes them feel good?

Why is it that, to be successful, you must step out from who you actually are as a person? If I message "Hey, how's it going" why isn't that good enough to warrant a response?

It seems entirely melodramatic but it's not a singular phenomenon, as the internet reveals:

Guys: Here's How to Get a Swipe Right on Tinder
(techniques to improve your online appearance in lieu of a person's real personality)

A man's guide to getting more matches on Tinder
(similar to above but less douchey about it)

Am I really that ugly? No matches on Tinder.
(a fair skinned Indian man questioning if his lack of Tinder results correlates with his appearance)

Does it mean that you're ugly if you get no Tinder matches?
(a bodybuilder questions his appearance in relation to his Tinder results - also note that some men are blissfully unaware of this difficulty with getting matches)

Why aren't I getting any matches? Am I ugly? What am I doing wrong?
(a 19 year old wonders if he's unattractive; one user responds that perhaps he is one of the few who which the app doesn't work due to some technical problem, another suggests he should work out and criticizes his dating profile)

It's Hard Being Average: My Tinder Experiment
(an experiment comparison match results of a model vs. an average guy vs. an ugly guy; most surprising is that ugly and average guys fair about the same while the model is head and shoulders above both of them)

What Tinder Taught Me About Dating and Humanity, Okay Just Dating
(a female relays her thoughts on, so called, "Tinder Truths")

I don't know what the answer is; I'm in the same cell, I'm having the same infuriating and depressing thoughts. All I can find the ability to do is question why.