Farewell to Passion

I may be pumping the brakes on my return to Los Angeles, the potential financial upside to staying here in Boston is too great to forgo but it also comes at a price that I felt able to pay until I started thinking about the emptiness inside me. I've filled every possible hour of my life with one or another income gaining venture, whether it be writing or editing, I am now fully monetized. But I am also wholly alone. I'm starting to realize I feed off being involved in projects with other people, my passion is entirely tied up in doing film work, being apart of the team. Now I feel further away than ever.

Maybe it's something that will simply return with the background work as it starts to gear up but I want something more than that and I hate myself for not being able to come up with something. There are jackoffs all over the internet, doing fun things and getting people's attention, so why am I so incapable of coming up with something I can do on a consistent basis. Is it merely because I'm alone and have no one to stoke my creative fires? Am I merely not creative anymore? Or has something else happened that has made my mind so income obsessed that I cannot fathom even the smallest of investment right now for something that may return nothing?

That is the industry, one I view as long term pain for long term gain. It seems to me, from the outside, that once you are in the professional ecosystem, you will be much more able to find some semblance of work; it might not be blockbusters but there is no shortage of producers and filmmakers that want to have a starname attached to their project. So if you can get the star, grow, and maintain it, you can stay fairly busy. But before that you dig trenches, day after day, year after year, until maybe something raises your profile enough to grab some attention; then you milk that for all it's worth and you become a desirable commodity in the eyes of the public.

I just want to work. I just want to work consistently doing something I love. But what sense does it make to return to LA for a chance at something, slaving for more years in a place where expenses are significantly higher than what I'm paying now. But with no LA, comes no work. I have nothing out here. I have no one to work with. I wouldn't even know where to begin to find people to work with and how do you pitch nothing? Just pitch the idea of being busy, staying active at something I love to do. Filmmakers here seem excited for documentaries and that seems to be the big film push I notice out here.

I'm dying here, I feel everything I worked for melting away from me into a distant memory of no significance to anyone. And why does that matter? Why does significance matter so much to me? Why do I want to chase something that is so cold and so cruel and so draining? Because for the moments that it's not those things, it can be amazing; it's the most fun I've ever probably had in my life. But there's no acting vacation, I can't just go act for something that matters to anyone. And I feel incapable of creating something but I used to have ideas, I used to have projects I wanted to do but now I don't have anything I feel I could do that would be of interest and by myself.