Living in Fear

Fear has always been apart of my life. Not in a paralyzing sense but I've never been the bravest or the boldest and I've always been something of a worrier. When I started staying home alone, I would be worried that something would happen to my parents while they were out. When my dad had a flight for business, I was concerned with his safety and altered aspects of my behavior to prevent hindering his safe return. I had some ridiculous ones as well like skeletons following me up the staircase or that the Nemesis from Resident Evil or The Grudge was right behind my shower curtain anytime I went to the bathroom.

As I got older, new fears replaced the old and the ridiculous. Mostly my fears today revolve around money and if I'm making enough of it and where can I put it to make more of it. Every moment of my life is spent thinking about money in one way or another. I worry about losing my ability to contract with Uber suddenly, perhaps through autonomous vehicles becoming viable or simply just a fraudulent claim by a rider that jeopardizes my livelihood. I'm steadily plowing through my credit card debt but will I keep my Uber gig long enough to clear it?

I'm always concerned if I'm doing enough for my acting career to get where I want to be. Questions like "what more can I be doing" and "where are smart areas to put my money for training and skills that will actually pay off" constantly swirl around in my head. How do I get the gig every time that I'm qualified for it and how do I keep putting my face out there so more and more people want to work with me? In what way do I keep pushing to get to that place where I'm working constantly  enough to make acting viable as a primary income source?

I've been dipping my toe in stocks as I wonder about where I should put the rest of my money, after paying off my credit cards, that will yield the best results? High APY savings? Dividend stocks? REITs? ETFs? Anything that is relatively safe and relatively stable and allows me to breathe, to not worry second-by-second over whether I have my primary job anymore.

I fear so much about the future that I tend to shake it off and stay focused on today. But the problem is tomorrow comes quickly and I need to be prepared for good times to change.