More Than Just There

I got in this business for the wrong reasons. I do think I'm an artist at heart, whether you think what I do counts as art is really of no consequence to me. You don't get to define my art. 

But the problem is some of our worth is defined by the public response, our Likes, our Follows. For me, I just wanted to work a lot and get better paid eventually. I wanted to be known for working, being reliable, and ideally just start getting more and better jobs like that. It's sounds stupid to say it and think that's anything but delusional. I can't fix what ignorant thoughts I may have operated under in the past.

I wanted to get just a little known in the industry so I could have more jobs coming to me rather than having to go to 50 auditions and never hear a thing. So I followed the conventional wisdom and made my own content, I made my own short films, sketches, even a feature film but none of it ever seemed to matter. Not even when over $70K was spent on the production. None of it ever seemed to make anyone give any more shit than when I started creating stuff. 

A fat man with man-boobs does a twirl in a silky bathrobe that is open.
An audition I actually gave a
shit about but alas did not get
I know it's not about those things but ten years with a lukewarm response, it gets tiring, it gets exhausting, and it gets completely demoralizing. You start to look at it as a greater rejection of yourself, especially when everyone's trying to present as authentic. Looking at the social feeds of some of my colleagues, people I've acted in scenes with, many of them now earning dozens of Likes, hundreds of Likes. I recognize that's a stupid metric but that's our metric in this business, sad as it is.

And that's kind of the bottom line of it, I'm tired of making content for people to not care. I'm tired of racking my brain over what will make them care. For me this is like a continuation of high school, back then I didn't realize or care that I was being ignored. Not bullied, not well known, I was just there and that continues to be my existence today. 

I perhaps just suffer under some delusion of grandeur that I can be someone who's not just there.