Reflections on Life Thus Far

Written in response to "what type of thoughts you get that bring you down?"

I've had a few negative thought patterns over my years. In my 20s, I was very afraid I'd never get a girlfriend because I hadn't at that point. A friend set me up with someone when I was about 23 and we were together on and off for about 8 years, eventually we had a soft breakup when she moved with her family out of state. I didn't feel like I'd actually solved anything after that relationship so I still felt a bit unaccomplished in the actual "getting a girlfriend."

This was about the time I started to lose faith in my film career path so I put more emphasis to going to kink events. At the same time my family was also going through personal bankruptcy which was a poor option for them because we'd eventually lose the businesses that we owned and finally our home in December 2017.

I eventually did meet someone at kink events and I moved to Boston with them about a year after we'd met and lived together for a bit. In Boston, I started to remember my love for arts and film and I felt a longing because Boston is nothing like LA as far as expression and creativity. We broke up, it wasn't a good relationship for me and I wanted to go back home.

Now that I'm back in LA since August 2021, I'm really just reminded of what a failure I am when it comes to creativity. I'm lucky and thankful I have a fetish fanbase at all because in my vanilla life, no matter how much content I made or different things or just kept trying, I never gained anyone, work never became easier to get, no one comments or puts any Likes on my things (which is stupid to think about I know but over time it eats away at you as you compare yourself to others who have gone further in less time). You start to see it as a rejection of you, rather than your work.

I've worked at being someone in film for about 10 years and it's basically been for nothing. I have a lot of skills and education and videos I'm proud of that is basically all useless if I don't do a creative art. And honestly I don't know what else I'd do, I love this field but basically it only loses money for me and fucks with me mentally when I don't get any accolades or feedback and no one appears to care. I lay on the couch sometimes when I'm really low and wonder how to get people to care and it's destructive, I hate it but I need the affirmation for whatever reason. I need something(s) to prove I didn't just waste all that time.

To summarize, I'm not so depressed on being lonely these days as I kind of prefer it right now, I need to figure out the right kind of partner for me and honestly I'm not too worried if I never find it, at least right now. Mostly I'm depressed and anxious about money and having a home I or my family owns again. I've always sucked at making my own income so I'm worried what happens when my parents are gone. And that ties into the home as well, I want to own it outright so no one can take away from me, I likely won't be 'settled' until that is locked in.

And of course I still think about my film failures as I try to wrack my brain on how to get it to work, how to get people to understand and care or even just like me. But it's whatever, I must have screwed up somewhere in this life or maybe this is penance for a past life, I don't know.

Maybe I'm just too odd for most of the world that wants to just fight on Twitter and assume they're always right rather than pondering and wondering if I know anything at all. People are so self-assured in topics they don't even study and I find that very off-putting but, in my view, that seems like the majority of people. The Dunning-Kruger hypothesis of the less competence you have, the more confident you are in your assessments. Why are people like this? And why don't they realize? Why do people watch movies like the Matrix and not realize, oh yeah, I'm one of those people not wanting to wake up from the ugliness of society -  I'm just going to keep on shoveling the shit into society that I know is shit, I recognize this is shit, articles are written on how this is shit and yet I keep participating in the mass shitting.

Somewhere we lost a sense of social humanity for the LOLs and I think that's dark. I love irreverent humor as much as the next person but somewhere it crossed a line to which the internet believes there is no line to accommodate human decency.

I'm probably not the best person to ask if things start to click after a while. I must believe it because I don't think I'd still be here if I didn't but I don't know if it just clicks automatically. I think there's too many people in this world for things to just click, too many competitors, too many people all struggling for the same thing. I used to believe that through my hard work in film that I would just be "found" - the whole idea of "if you build it, he will come." But the more years get on, the less I believe in that adage from that 1989 film. There's nothing that will just appear like an angel to save or inspire us. 

We must be our own angels, as difficult as that is.